Vol 11: Leading with understanding

Have you ever found yourself thinking about someone else and saying "I really like them... They get me." It's something we say all the time, but what does it really mean? What's the other person doing that gives you that feeling?

When someone gets me, it feels amazing. They make me feel safe and appreciated. There's no need to change who I am or act differently around them.

When I can find this trait in a manager at work, it's a breath of fresh air. If I can find someone who will let me vent about how capitalism is ruining the world or how my work is affecting me emotionally, without them viewing it as a sign of insubordination or a performance issue, it really reduces stress and helps me get through the day.

But how can you become someone who "gets" other people? It might mean making some changes to how you think and act.

Admit when you don't understand, then actually try to.

We spend so much of our lives living in the confines of our own perspectives. A natural reaction when we come across a new, unfamiliar way of looking at things is to shut it down, ignore it, or try to change it.

But what affect does that have on the person who just shared that perspective? It creates conflict where there could be deeper understanding. It builds a wall. It sends a strong message that if you're gonna try that again, you should come prepared.

Pretending to understand is pretty similar, since we aren't as good at pretending as we think we are.

Instead, working to actually understand another perspective is a gesture of care and safety that we practice all too little.

Of course there will be perspectives that are non-negotiable like basic human rights, but one of your employees believing we should all take more time off doesn't fall into that category.

Be truly interested in other people.

Just being able to ask questions while also being genuinely interested in the answers is a surprisingly rare trait. As before, pretending to be interested won't do you much good here. People can tell the difference.

Questions can be helpful, but they can also be harmful. It's really important to keep in mind what the other person is interested in sharing. Kicking off your first one on one with someone new by asking a bunch of questions about their personal life can do more harm then good if they aren't open to sharing about that side of who they are. Look to them to lead the conversation, follow where they want to go, and truly listen to what they are telling you.

Trust others when they tell you what they want.

When someone shares something with you, they're trusting you. Even just that act can take a lot of courage sometimes. It's so important not to violate that trust by doing things with that information that they didn't expect, anticipate, or even want.

If someone tells you they're struggling with someone else on their team, that doesn't mean they want you to start having conversations with that person's manager about how to improve their behavior. That could make the situation worse, right?

You may be thinking that it's really hard to know what someone wants, but throughout the years I've developed a really sophisticated way to figure it out: Just ask.

Once they tell you, honor it, even if you would do things differently.

When someone really gets you, you're empowered to be who you really are and say what you really want to say. And honestly, isn't that a great feeling?

Real leaders: Lucien Liz-Lepiorz

Each month, I ask a leader in my own life to share who they are and what leadership means to them.

Lucien describes himself as one person that cares about the intrinsic right to a dignified life.

Here's how Lucien thinks about leadership, in his own words:

I approach leadership by taking risks for the people around me. There’s a difference between supporting your team and standing up for them.

Thanks, Lucien.