Vol 2: More than telling people what to do
In a culture that glorifies hierarchy (like the one I grew up in here in the United States), one of the worst things people are taught about leadership is that it’s same thing as authority.
This gets into our heads at an early age. When I was out to breakfast with my two children recently (ages 9 and 11), they asked what I was doing the rest of the day, and I said I was working on this newsletter about leadership. I asked what they thought it means to be a leader.
My 11 year-old listed all the ways she can be an example to other people. She talked about how her decisions to be kind at ballet class affected other people, and how she was trying to create an environment where everyone felt welcome. I loved hearing this. My 9 year-old had a different take. “I’m not a leader,” he said. “A leader is just someone who tells people what to do.”
I totally get where he’s coming from. The parent/child relationship comes with some built-in power dynamics. But power dynamics have big limits. I can tell him to eat carrots for a snack instead of tortilla chips, but he may still want and try for the chips. Me telling him what to do won’t change that unless he believes in what I’m saying.
Unfortunately, many adults have this mentality too, and bosses who think they can just tell people what to do and leave it at that aren’t helping. The people who receive those commands are faced with power dynamics that make them feel forced to do things, even if they don’t believe in them. How do you disagree with the person who has the power to take away your income (and in the US, unfortunately, your healthcare)? Freelancers and other people who have their own businesses are faced with similar issues. How do you say no to a customer who is paying your bills?
So whether you’re on the receiving end of work directives or a hungry 9 year-old, how can you can have some power in the face of a power imbalance? How can you be a leader?
Start by finding the real need.
I used to work with a product manager who kept telling my team what to build and expecting zero discussions. I got so frustrated! It felt like there was no room for anyone on the team to give feedback, even though we were seeing issues with the things we were being asked to do.
I set up a conversation with him to talk it through and ask why he was telling the team to work on these things. It ended up being lots of conversations. Turns out, he was feeling pressure from his managers to deliver results. He felt that building the features they were asking for was the best way to give them results. Once I understood what was behind his behavior, I was able to start suggesting different things. I grounded each suggestion in how we could communicate the impact to upper management, and he was so much more open. We went from having a top-down relationship to being co-creators, despite our different views.
You know what’s funny? My hungry 9 year-old did the same thing. He asked why I wanted him to eat carrots. Once he understood that I wanted him to have a healthy snack, he suggested having half carrots, half tortilla chips. Turns out he is a leader after all—even if he didn’t realize it—helping me see a third option and being understanding of my desire for him to eat some healthy food too.
The next time you feel trapped by top-down directions, try going deeper. When you find out where the other person wants to go, you can lead the way.
But how do you lead the way? Can you lead through humor? Trust? Thouhtfulness? Kindness?
To me, that's where things get really exciting. Next month, we'll start exploring some unique ways to bring other people along that reflect who you are, how you want to show up, and what you value.
Real leaders: James Ng
Each month, I ask a leader in my own life to share who they are and what leadership means to them.
James describes himself as a big kid, raising his own kid, trying to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up.
Here's how James thinks about leadership, in his own words:
I think at its core, leadership is about investing my time and energy into making other people better. It doesn’t matter if this is in your family, your project or your community. Leaders help align everyone towards a shared goal so they can own their part in making it happen, regardless of your title or role. Leadership happens from the bottom, top and all sides. For example, on the software projects that I lead, the expectation is that everyone understands the “why” so we can own our individual contributions to making it a reality. My team can then hold one another accountable to deliver what each of us needs to hit that goal. This style has so many benefits and opportunities for personal growth and is consistently humbling.
Many thanks to James for sharing his story and perspective.