Vol 12: Leading while loving yourself

Have you ever dealt with someone who seems overly confident? Some of my most difficult work situations involve people who are incredibly sure of themselves, as if they can't make mistakes. These folks seem unable to hear about new evidence or change their minds. Conversations with them can be draining and demoralizing.

Once, I was trying to convince a person like this that we shouldn't build a software feature they were requesting. I thought it was going to be an easy conversation. I had evidence that our users didn't need it, data showing how it wouldn't help our business, and rationale showing how much time and money it would waste. I was so surprised when that person, despite hearing all this, insisted that we would be doing it anyway. "Wow," I thought to myself, "I wish I had that much self-esteem."

I've been thinking and learning a lot about self-esteem recently. This topic has been a wild journey for me, since a young age. I used to be afraid of self-esteem, because I thought it would turn me into one of the cocky, arrogant people I had been struggling with so much. I didn't want that. But what if I was wrong about what self-esteem is this whole time?

Let's say you're someone with low self-esteem who looks to others for validation. This described me for most of my life. Am I doing a good job? I don't know—ask my co-workers. Am I showing up well in my friendships? I'm not sure, ask my friends. How did the talk I gave at that conference go? You'll have to ask someone in the audience. I was using the kind words of feedback other people sent my way as a kind of fuel to keep me going.

While there's nothing wrong with getting and enjoying this validation, sometimes life forces us to confront what we actually believe about ourselves.

What happens when you and your manager have different opinions on your performance? What if you and one of your friends have a different view of a situation? What if you're looking for a job, knowing you have the skills for it, but keep getting rejected?

These are big moments that test our views of ourselves.

My therapist recently recommended a book called The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem (which probably tells you a bit about how much this comes up in therapy), and while the language in some parts is a bit dated and the author randomly talks about how he used to date Ayn Rand, it has really helped me reframe my view of myself and has busted some of the myths I had been believing about the concept of self-esteem.

Here's a quote that really stuck out to me:

Sometimes self-esteem is confused with boasting or bragging or arrogance; but such traits reflect not too much self-esteem, but too little; they reflect a lack of self-esteem. Persons of high self-esteem are not driven to make themselves superior to others; they do not seek to prove their value by measuring themselves against a comparative standard. Their joy is in being who they are, not in being better than someone else.

Immediately, I recognized some of my most cherished leaders in this description. People who spend time loving themselves so that they're able to create space for others. Friends who are real enough with themselves about who they are, that they don't waste time making comparisons. Co-workers who make honest assessments of their own capabilities so they don't feel the need to steamroll others. Managers who exemplify what it means to rest so their employees feel safe to do it too.

It's an exhausting time to exist. It's a difficult time to be a leader. But you can make it so much easier on yourself by looking inward and loving who you are.

Real leaders: Nekesha Green

In my newsletters, I regularly ask leaders in my own life to share who they are and what leadership means to them.

Nekesha describes herself as an over-communicator, designer, writer, music lover, cheerleader for all of the little people who don’t get enough credit for doing big things... and sneaker snob.

Here's how Nekesha thinks about leadership, in her own words:

I approach leadership with a follower’s mindset. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but as a leader, I believe it’s important to think about how my actions might affect those being led or inspired by my behavior. At some point, we’re all the customer or the follower. In those situations, I remember how it felt to be led in a way that was empathetic or encouraging versus demotivating and devaluing. Remembering that, my goal is to always lead in a way that helps someone feel empowered, inspired or heard. For me, leadership also isn’t about treating people the way I want to be treated. Leaders treat people the way they want to be treated.

Thanks, Nekesha.

Class on April 18th: Collaborating with confidence

I'm so excited to be doing another of my leadership classes next month! The collaborating with confidence class is all about practical collaboration skills you can use right away, while exploring what your own leadership style looks like.

Here's what Jennifer, a past participant said:

The exercises that we did can be applied to my current job and got the wheels turning about how I could handle some of the current challenges I'm facing. I also loved the focus on the different types of leadership. Some of them surprised me, but it was great to stop and think about how I can lead and influence.

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